The worst feeling in the world is knowing you've been used and lied to.

"Footsteps" 49

I got scratches all over my arms
One for each day since I fell apart

I'm tired of being tired

"I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling empty inside. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of feeling crazy. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of yelling. I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of dreaming of a life I will never have. I'm tired of missing things. I'm tired of missing people. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of wishing I could start all over. I'm tired of not being able to just let go. I'm tired of faking it. I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of needing help. I'm tired of always wondering when God is finally going to let me be happy. Most of all, I'm just... I'm tired of being tired."

I'm tired of defending myself against them..I want them to either be happy for me or don't and get the fuck out of my life. I don't wanna fight anymore I'm just living my life, actually just trying to get through each day. I shouldn't have to defend myself I didn't do anything wrong yet they have a way to make me feel bad about myself every time I hear from them...and I'm the one that's such a horrible person?!

"Save You" 20

Fuck me if I say something you don't wanna hear
And fuck me if you only hear what you wanna hear
Fuck me if I care, but I'm not leaving here.

Into each life some rain must fall.

"Nothingman" 26

Once divided, nothing left to subtract
Some words, when spoken, can't be taken back.

1 wk ago today..

since I had my surgery.

Well my surgery was a lil more then what my doctors and I had prepared for, when they got in there to remove my tumor it was two times bigger then what they thought it was. And from what the doc's said the tumor was one of the nastiest they had seen. 7lbs of nasty lol.

When the doctors talked to my family while I was in recovery they said she must have been in a ton of pain cuz of how nasty the tumor was..I kinda thought that was funny considering I bitched about my pain level for days.

I have 3 small incisions on the right side of my body and 1 big incision on my left side, that's the one were the tumor came out of. As of today the incisions are really sore and bruising :/

My pain levels now are kinda my fault. When they brought me into recovery and woke me up, I was so out of it and I started screaming and fighting with the nurse I guesss I tried pulling my IV out and almost flipped myself off the bed, the nurse yelled we have to restrain her and I stopped fighting lol. I guess I don't like pain so much..
If I hadn't done that I might not be as bruised up and in pain as I am.

Everyday I start feeling a lil better and I'm hoping to be all recovered and ready to get back to life this weekend, or at least that's how long I have until I have to get back to reality. My ex got to come home the day of my surgery to help take care of me and he leaves again on the 12th so I will be back to full time parent and all that has to go with that then.

I'm still waiting on my test results..waiting to hear if you have cancer makes everyday drag :(

"Rearviewmirror" 50

Saw things so much clearer once you were in my rear view mirrort

I'm doing the 50 best Pearl Jam Lyrics. I stole this from somebody I'm just mixing up the order based on how I feel..

10 things about me for tweenty-TEN

1. I'm training to run a marathon-If all goes well I will be a marathoner by the end of the year.

2. Going on vacation-we finally get to take a family vacation after not having one for 4 years this is pretty exciting, even thou technically we aren't a "family" anymore..

3. I'm having surgery-for the first time ever, and I'm excited about it, no more pain.

4. I have cancer-I just found out my cyst is not a cyst but a softball sized tumor sitting on my overie and it's cancerous.

5. I'm losing weight-I have "tried" for years to lose weight (using tried loosely) but it's finally happening and even thou it's mostly due to my medical problems I'm still excited about it. This is the year I'm going to get into shape...I just know it.

6. My ex joined the army and is moving to Germany-he asked me to go with him and I'm leaning towards yes.

7. I'm heartbroken-I had my heartbroken this year and it was horrible but I now realize I knew he didn't love me and I knew he loved somebody else and I know no matter how much I wanted it to be me he loved it wasn't gonna happen..In a strange way I'm glad I had my heart broken, I have a feeling it will work out for me in the end.

8. I have the strongest and most amazing group of family and friends-I don't think I ever realized how lucky I am to have the people I have until these Med. problems and the heart break happened and my family and friends stepped in and became the best support group I could ever ask for.

9. I'm learning to knit-my mom is teaching me and I'm really really excited about it.

10. I'm seeing a concealer and decided to go to anger management on my own-I'm hurt and angry I need to talk about it..

I so understand..

"The hottest love has the coldest end."-Socrates

A few new addictions

T.V.:

Discovery Channels Life-I watch it with my kids, it is teaching us so much

History Channels Life After People-it's just interesting

Spikes Deadliest Warrior-again interesting

Music:

New Moon Soundtrack-love

Lil Wayne Rebirth-seriously amazing, I've never liked Lil Wayne until now, it's like rock meets rap

Life:

Cigs :(-I feel any of the below and I just need one..

I'm back

I'm back!!!

I'm Michelle, this is me and this is my blog..enjoy